020-023 (old book 15-17 Jakobs
letter)
Vincents text
Norsk oversættelse Min nye bog
In
New Orleans I lived with a black murderer named Nell. Like the other
murderers I have known or stayed with, he was quite an ordinary person who
had only become a murderer by accident or rather because of his social
background. Naturally, it took some time before he told me about his past, as
he had escaped from a prison in Nevada and was a wanted man; but like other
criminals, he had a need to share what was weighing on him with another human
being whom he could trust. No one can live alone with such a heavy burden. We
lived with some other people out in the eastern part of New Orleans, and Nell
tried, as much as circumstances would allow, to lead a normal, respectable
life. Since he knew he would be sent back to a life sentence in prison if he
got involved in anything, he tried as much as possible to stay away from
crime and made a living primarily as a blood donor. I did not think his
chances of remaining free for the rest of his life were very great, but I
tried hard to make his breathing-space of freedom as happy and encouraging
for him as possible. I felt that he had already been punished enough before
committing any crime by the poverty and humiliation society had subjected him
to in his childhood. It
was when I expressed this opinion during one of our nightly conversations
that he confided in me about his crime, and afterward we were bound even
closer to each other through this secret confidence. We often took walks or
went to the blood bank together. Mostly we could survive by selling blood
plasma twice a week, as the blood banks in New Orleans at that time were the
highest paying in the U.S.: $6.10 a visit. Only rarely was I forced to steal
cheese and other small items from supermarkets to get full. I did not want
Nell to do it, as he could end up getting a life sentence for it, while I
with my white privilege knew that I would be able to talk my way out of such
an embarrassing situation with the employees if I got caught. Nell was always
pursued by his fate in this way. But never did it strike me so forcefully as
on the evening I last saw him. We
had made the stupid mistake of walking down the street together in the black
neighborhood where we lived, and thereby attracted the attention of the
police. It is a mortal sin for a white man and a black man to walk together
in a black neighborhood, as they are immediately suspected of being dope
dealers. But being deep in conversation when we swung into the neighborhood,
we forgot to part. It was not long before a patrol car pulled up alongside us
in one of the dimly lit streets in the east ghetto. The cops were the nice
jovial type who really only wanted to scare us, and therefore said that we
could go free if we just handed over our marijuana cigarettes to them. I have
seen the police use this method so many times in black neighborhoods, since
they don’t have to report the confiscated grass but can smoke it themselves.
I did not carry anything myself, but knew that Nell had one or two joints,
like most others. But suddenly Nell was seized by his fate’s paranoia - the
paranoia and distrust of his fellow man almost every one of his social
background has - and he refused to hand over the joints. For my own part I
would not have hesitated a moment. I had complete confidence in the cops.
Nell’s distrust of the cops made him jam up like a lock and act irrationally.
The police are trained to observe that kind of reaction in criminals and they
immediately got out of the car to search him. They only found two small
joints and his knife, but since he did not have any I.D. they took him to the
station for fingerprinting. I knew right off that I would never see Nell
again. He had been tripped up by the paranoia and sense of guilt common to
all poor blacks, regardless of whether they have committed a crime or not. It
was the same paranoia which had originally made him a murderer. After
Nell had gone from “this world,” New Orleans suddenly seemed like a ghost
town and I could no longer bear to stay in the same house. I wanted to leave
the city, so I tried hitch-hiking in the direction of Baton Rouge. New
Orleans is one of the hardest places in America to get a ride, and I waited
on the Interstate with my sign for hours, hoping to get picked up before the
police came. All of a sudden, the only Rolls Royce I’ve ever gotten a lift
with stopped in the middle of the three-lane highway to pick me up. It was
right in the middle of rush hour and we immediately created a big traffic jam
of honking cars. Just as I had gotten into the car, the police came wailing
up behind us to give us a ticket for having stopped illegally. The man who
had picked me up said he would take care of it, went back to the cops and
without a word gave them his card. When the police saw his name, they became
all smiles and friendliness and followed him back to his Rolls Royce,
clapping him on the shoulder while assuring him that it was only a trifle and
that we shouldn’t worry about it anymore. I naturally wondered who this guy
could be who got off so lightly without even a ticket. He told me that his
name was Wayne A. Karmgard, and that he had picked me up because I was
standing with my sign, “Touring USA from Denmark.” He had never picked up a
hitchhiker before, but he suddenly thought it might be fun since he himself
was of Danish descent. Normally this information makes me clam up instantly
and get out of the car as fast as possible. I have long ago lost any desire
to be with Danish-Americans, who all too often give me only one feeling: a
sense of shame at being a Dane. To Danes visiting America I give this advice:
if you want to get a good impression of the country, stay away from this
population group, which often represents one of the most racist and
reactionary white groups in the United States. 80 percent of them vote
Republican I have heard. All they can talk about is how wonderful it is to be
rid of the high taxes back in Denmark. They are fleeing from any human
responsibility in order to have their taxes lowered. I have met
Danish-Americans who were “red-hot” Social Democrats back home in Denmark,
but who in just 5 years had been transformed into the darkest reactionaries.
Danish-Americans stand in glaring contrast to American Jews, who are the only
white group with whom I feel a strong harmony. This group has a very deep
understanding of the conditions of the blacks and of the social mechanisms
that in the same way made them Europe’s “negroes” for so many centuries. Well,
all the same, I could not say no to a Danish-American in a Rolls Royce. I
started entertaining him right away with travel stories so that he would
invite me home. I especially emphasized my experiences with Rockefeller and
Kennedy, since all little millionaires look up to the big millionaires. I
knew he would ask me home feeling that this brought him a little closer to
the Rockefellers. It worked, and I ended up heading back toward New Orleans.
He owned the city’s finest and most expensive hotel, right in the heart of
the French Quarter. Everyone in town knew him, and later I was told that he
owned a large part of the French Quarter and was a housing speculator
(slumlord). A fabulous suite in his hotel, “Maison de Ville”, was put at my
disposal and I was told to just ring the bell whenever I wanted anything.
Black waiters in freshly pressed uniforms served everything to me on silver
trays, with excessive servility. I sat out in the garden of the hotel and let
a black waiter bring me one thing after another in an attempt to get him to
open up, but it was impossible. He probably felt his whole existence
threatened when I addressed him as a normal human being. I sat pondering how
strange it was that at this moment Nell was being “served” by white prison
guards in hell, while I was being served by black waiters in heaven. It was
as if everything in our lives had, in a natural way, brought us each to his
own place, and our short friendship had only been a glimpse of utopia. But it
struck me that Nell, as a black, had actually come further, for wasn’t he
more free than this broken servant who was only able to hold his head up by
learning to enjoy his own oppression here in this rich Dane’s sadomasochistic
universe? Wasn’t Karmgard a powerful oppressor while at the same time
seemingly a tender, quiet and unhappy human being who had learned to exploit
to the utmost the mechanisms given him in this society? Furthermore, people
said he was the richest homosexual in town, which meant he himself was part
of an oppressed minority group. Was it not the same insecurity as the
vulnerable minority that had driven him into this unfortunate position as had
driven many Jews in Europe into similar economic security through the ages? The
security in these surroundings was nauseating. I felt restless and lonesome.
It was a favorite hotel of the richest and most glamorous film stars, but
there was no human contact. Should I go out in the street and find a poor person
with whom to share my luxurious suite and a bottle of wine? No, one should
not buy friendship with wealth, I thought. Not even borrowed wealth. I only
stayed there one night, a terribly lonely night. For
years I had shared homes and beds with people, and it came as a shock to
suddenly be lying there all alone. After my silver-tray breakfast the next
day, I rushed headlong back to freedom, determined to find some people to
live with. On Bourbon Street two young girls came running up to me to get my
autograph. Being tourists, they had gone into the famous hotel out of
curiosity and had seen me sitting there at breakfast under the palm trees and
therefore assumed I was a movie star. For a moment I felt tempted to play
“movie star” and maybe get to stay with them, but then chose to tell the
truth. Then they lost all interest in me, and I realized that I was back down
to earth again. Due to the many tourists, it is impossible for a vagabond to
find a place to stay in New Orleans. Towards
evening I was very hungry and recalled Bonnie’s Grill on Decatur Street,
which Nell had once shown me. Bonnie was an enormously fat white woman who
ran a dingy little coffee bar. Bonnie was the type who could only speak to
people in coarse, bad-tempered words and was always bawling them out, but the
more harshly she talked to people, the more she loved them. She could easily
have made good money from the cafe, but instead she was always broke because
the place was frequented by the poorest street-people, and Bonnie gave free meals
all day long to people who had no money. Bonnie remembered me all right, and
knew I had no money, so right away she shoved a big bowl of grits in front of
me, and later hamburgers and other goodies. She stood there in all her
immensity with her hands on her hips and watched me without a word, but I
knew she liked me because I had known Nell. Without
mentioning Nell, she said after a long silence: “You can come and live with
me now.” So, I moved into Bonnie’s tacky and cluttered apartment. There were
lice and fleas and several inches of dust everywhere. What
happened in the next few days was peculiar, for although we could barely
communicate with each other and did not have a sexual relationship we quickly
became closer than I have been to any other person on my journey. When we
realized that we were probably the only ones Nell had confided his past to,
we became inseparably bound to one another. Living with Bonnie was like
living on a volcano of human warmth. She is the only one I know of who is
still running the “under-ground railroad”. To live with her was to be woken
up almost every night by some black man on the run from the law. Here they
all found a place of refuge. Bonnie loved black men, especially those who in
one way or another had revolted against the master-slave relationship. She
had always been that way. Earlier, she had lived in Jacksonville, Florida,
but had been beaten up and driven out of town by the whites. She had gone to
New Orleans, which is considered a freer Southern town. Actually,
her own two children were neglected and needed clothes, healthy food, and
vitamins; but on the other hand they had, through their mother’s actions,
been brought up not to hate, and were far healthier in their own way than
most white children. Throughout their childhood they had seen murderers,
thieves, rapists, junkies, and other felons take the place of their father in
their mother’s bed, but they had experienced them all as human beings because
they saw them through the eyes of their mother. Bonnie refused to accept and
see only their oppressed identities and through this deeper faith in human
beings, actually created human beings. For these children terms such as
“murderer” and “nigger” had no meaning, since in Bonnie’s home the men all
behaved as their “Daddy,” and this was how the children saw them. There was
always rejoicing when a “Daddy” got out of prison. Bonnie sighed a bit
because they would never see Nell again, but she was already prepared to take
in a new Nell. Bonnie and I developed a quiet understanding and affection for
each other which over the years grew into such a strong love-relationship
that time and again I returned to New Orleans to live with her. Bonnie does
not know if she is Jewish or Danish or Irish or Polish. She is just American,
she says. Excerpts of original letters in my early primitive style |
|
I
New Orleans boede jeg hos en sort morder, der hed Nell. Ligesom de andre
mordere, jeg har kendt eller boet hos, var han et ganske almindeligt
gennemsnitsmenneske, som blot var blevet morder ved en tilfældighed – eller
rettere på grund af sin sociale baggrund. Det tog naturligvis nogen tid, før
han fortalte mig om sin fortid, idet han var flygtet fra et fængsel i Nevada
og var eftersøgt, men ligesom andre kriminelle havde han en trang til at dele
det, der tyngede ham, med et andet menneske, som han kunne stole på. Ingen
kan leve alene med så tung en skæbne. Vi boede sammen med nogle andre
mennesker ude i den østlige del af New Orleans, og Nell prøvede ihærdigt, så
godt omstændighederne nu tillod det, at leve et normalt borgerligt liv. Da
han vidste, at han ville blive sendt tilbage til livsvarigt fængsel, hvis han
blev indblandet i noget, prøvede han så vidt muligt at holde sig væk fra
kriminalitet og levede hovedsageligt af at være bloddonor. Jeg mente ikke, at
hans chancer for at forblive på fri fod resten af livet var særlig store; men
jeg forsøgte så godt, jeg kunne, at gøre dette frihedens pusterum så
glædeligt og opmuntrende for ham som muligt. Jeg følte, at han var straffet
nok, allerede før han begik sin forbrydelse, med den fattigdom og ydmygelse, samfundet
havde udsat ham for i barndommen. |